that's about right

I am looking at this page. I realize I want to write on it. What do I want to write on it? Maybe it is too early in the day to think about categories or anything for that matter. Maybe it is just that my feet are too god damn cold. I'll come back later with some kind of thoughts...

Still no particular reason,

When Mortimer and I first met, he knew I was right for the job. This was because, like him, I could not imagine the future. I always knew it was coming, towards me all the time, but I did not feel it until it was the present, then the past. My senses were absent when it came to processing unknown endings. He said that he needed me empty of all anticipation and only then could I succeed. I told him I was incapable of anything other than that. From his hiding place behind the shadow, I felt his body slide into a satisfaction with me and my answer. He put out his hand to shake mine, but all I could see was its shadow. I touched that instead, because his real hand never crossed over into the light. That was the funny thing about Mortimer; for all I knew, a shadow was all he ever was.

Tartufoh

This week has been the week of perpetual waking. I can't help but feel that I haven't actually slept at all in at least six days. Hi ho! Last night I died at 10pm and was so surprised at 6:20 when I came back to life. I'm very happy that I did, though.

A friend gave me a cd, the first I've gotten since I moved back east.. it has a lotttalotta songs on it, a couple albums actually..I just popped it in for the first time tonight! I'm really digging this record by the Silver Apples, impressed that it was made in the late 60's, which wikipedia just informed me of.. music must be circular, because this sounds a lot like what people are slapping around these days.

We found a roach relaxing on my toothbrush the other night! JUST CHILLIN'. It's definetly gross, but the more I tell the story, the more I imagine it crossing it's little legs, drinking a scotch or something, happy that it found something nice to sit on. Then I can't get mad, I just gotta buy a new toothbrush. That's the way I feel about it.

New York is getting more fun; aka, the coolest place can suck without friends.

Current Happenings: I am making pickled vegetables to bring to a fall tea party/bonfire.
I am knitting Nichki a dusty teal scarf: knitting skills are positively doubling
I am.
I am happily biding my time to ask someone out on a date..

how do people do that? I don't really want to do something anyone else would do, I'm just unsure about the kind of method I would work. Whatever method it is, it's awkward.

Should I leave my apartment tonight? I'm going to go eat some crackers and think about it.

broken birdie

Autumn in new york only took up two weeks, I can't believe it. . the rain is buying up all the time slots and the sun's asleep.

We have huge windows in our living room.. they are actually Nichki's boyfriend exact size..we are hoping that these help us cope with the dwindling daylight. The sills are nice and wide and made for sitting on. We smoke our cigarettes there, and we put a shell there too, to remind us of the other side of the country.

I went to go see Múm last saturday by myself; how different it is to enjoy this music in front of you, without anyone to turn to and confirm the reality. Instead I gave out a lot of smiles to those around me, I wore the fur bonnet and I danced.

it is all good right aroundnow..

I gotta write this somewhere lasting before I change my mind:: my band will be called Mom and Dad and the Special Birthday Fire. Okay!!

child smile

I have this funny activity that I've never told anyone about before that I do a lot when I am feeling really sucked of any inkling of artistic intent. I think it is so funny, I am smiling real big just being around the idea. I put on music that is sung in another language besides english and I kinda close my ears in a little bit, I kinda bring down the level of listening that I normally give to songs and I pretend that I am a kid who is making up my own new words. So I write down what I think this person is saying, usually I am really off and it makes for a good knee slappin' time or something,,

an example?? sure.

I half gnaw the grapefruit guts
fizzing fit, I lift the ceramic
fell into sleep, woke up in heaven
stand a little
broken call
back of chair holds it all
children in the circle
children are the circle.

dearRichard

fucking shotgun
and your hand for egging it on.
your brain is mostly to blame,
I don't see how that slick
grey thing of wonder could
convince you of anything
but immortality.

1984 maybe wasn't that great, but hey!
1988 was the second coming.

The Braughtigal Son returns
smiling and shivering
in a body made of watermelon sugar.

did this work?

I cannot, for the life of me, get myself to stop listening to this woman.

Sometimes, I like to see what other people in other places wear. This one's from Helsinki, if I remember correctly. Although time consuming, streetstyle blogs are so engrossing.. I mean, I'm trying real hard but I do not think I've ever seen a more interesting and lovely family unit.

COOL THINGS I FIND ARCHIVE BLOG GO!

Summer Foods That I Am Thinking Of

still eating a grapfruit.

Things that are so good today:

It was so clear and warm out today, I could see every rock and snow drift on Mt. Ranier, sitting pretty as I walked over the 45th st. bridge. Dirty traffic couldn't even ruin it for me.

Drinking a small glass of flat beer as soon as I got home today. It was 7:45 and the sun was still setting; bare feet and the air smelled WARRRRRM.

"Summertime Clothes" by Animal Collective over and over and over again, all day.

All the dogs I ran into were SMILING today.


All and all, a good day. I don't feel any awkwardness and I am really in love with everyone.

I am lame, going to bed, etc.

Pitseolak was one of the world's most interesting and famous Inuit artists. With that being said, I had never heard of her until I found a book of her illustrations in some dirty bookstore in the U-District. She made most of them when she was an old woman, as a way of relating the past traditions of her life to her children growing up in the 20th century. Fresh like a curious babe! I get so happy looking at them, I wanna show them to everyone I meet. Okay, that was my before bed thought; "Pitseolak is awesome, I want to blog about her happy drawlings." Overn'Out.

Sometimes, I enjoy a song enough to write about it.

AHEM:

I never intended to ever make a music-themed blog. Granted, my life somewhat revolves around the discovery and intense evaluation of the music that is accidentally and purposefully introduced to my nice little ears, but I quit the writing part so many years ago after I came to the conclusion that my style was much to be desired, sucked, etc. After the time it took to get over myself, I feel confident about throwin' this shit around for anyone who wants to pick it up and find or make some good out of it. This blog is not going to be just music, because that is not the way my life works.... makes sense.

So, the Cave Singers.

I saw them open for Department of Eagles in January, which is actually one of the first shows I have ever gone to in Seattle, which is a big shame. I really enjoy DoE; in the same way that I enjoy a trip to New York Shitty. It's fun for a day, charming, I get very exicted and smile a lot. But, it doesn't quite stir my innards. I know that it ain't for me entirely, that I could enjoy it for a bit but ultimately move onto something that feels like a better fit.

Hohum, anyway, the Cave Singers. I was kinda late walking into Neumos..but I caught these lads only about a song or two into their set. Only three of them?..the singers got a tambourine and a voice of a 12-year old smoker. The guitarest is fingerpicking some southern appalachian blues and the drummer is just smiling and waiting. I instantly liked the way they stood up there, close together, the singer wearing a knit hat and a sweatshirt, with a bushy beard and his eyes closed. Friend Pile. Foot stomping and head shaking was his preferred method of dance, he looked as if he couldn't help it; I get so excited when people cannot hold in what they feel.
Whatever kind of thing they expected to be creating when they started doesn't matter. The music is in no way complex, and the only thing slightly folkish about it is the guitar strumming. Its atmosphere is so rich with celebration, little hymnlets to us, I envsion wooden houses, meadows, summer evening sun, heavy air. .. it feels like music that was born out of the Smokey Mountains, written by a thought heavy man who remembers when he was the only one around and is married to nature.

Helen, by the Cave Singers. This one stuck around the party in my head for days after this show was over. I think it stuck out to me because the joint was absolutely silent; this guy had command of everyone in that room during this song and I must bow my body low in the presense of a power like that.


That's it, I really gotta go get some dinner in my belly.

griseous

One of my closest, dearest friends of the past ten years just left Seattle to go back to New York. I feel the slight edge of loneliness trying to find its place in me, but she revived my attitude in such a positive fashion, I have succeeded in resisting the urge to be melancholy! I didn't even know I was capable of ignoring an opportunity to wallow. I am giving myself a big hug. MOTIVATION!! To draw, to move onward and to realize that I do not want to stay in Seattle. I do not want to work these shitty jobs, only looking forward to the beer I waste myself on afterwords.. I need the past two years of accidental laziness to end!! Here is my declaration post, I will only do what is necessary for me to calm down and live these days as I want, without feeling the nausea in my stomach, worrying about the future I carry around on my shoulders. FUCK THE FUTURE. FUCK ALL THAT SHIT, I'M TAKING MYSELF AND I'M GETTIN' OUTTA HERE!!!

Apologies. I feel crazies. I only slept three hours, not counting the hour of sleep Nichki and I got in Kellyn's car outside of the starbucks in Tukwila, waiting for her flight. We both curled up like unborn babes in the front seats. She had a scarf wrapped around her face to block the sun, I pulled my black cap down over my eyes. In retrospect, we looked kinda kidnapped. Whatever the case may be, not much or comfortable sleep was had by any.

I am sad, but only because I love someone, so it's a good thing.

my main man

Trying to dig up motivation from one of my favorite masterminds, I found some of Jan Svenkmajer's diary entries from when he was making Little Otik. I always want to know how other artists go about their work, he does not disappoint me. In fact, the man kinda went above and beyond, not only talking about the process of creation but every other secular and humanly worry he discovers in his head; thank you meester svenkmajer for reminding me that I should stay humbled.

Onwards! to this cute selection. He's like a dad.

5 February 1999

"I've put together the first Otesánek. He has bent little legs, slightly askew right shoulder, a distinctive gob and a wee willy. Lots of little fingers and toes."

and another.....

14 March 1999

"I still keep saying and put it on paper that I am not interested in art and, at the same time, I make films, projects, drawings, collages etc, and collect paintings and drawings and other artistic artefacts. So, how is it? I am not interested in art. That is, art with a big A. But I am interested in certain artists, or more accurately certain works of art by certain artists but not because I consider them to be more "artistic" than other works or because they strike my "sense of beauty" but because they touch something more important which exceeds the concept of art—that is, the basis of life, in another words, a form of inner still undefined imagination (which is nothing else than prima materia of our existence). A work of art which manages to break through into this "secret" underground imagination, the deeper the better—only such a piece I find interesting because it liberates a human being. And liberation is the only meaningful activity of a human."

Here here!

I'd like to start this out by saying that today and yesterday and the day before that, all of those days, together, were most definitely some sort of reality warp placed upon me to test my strength, and resilience to INSANITY.

Sunday night was Big D's big 3-0 birthday. I was almost saved from my future pain by going to sleep early that night, but David himself called me at 11 pm, to whole heartedly and drunkenly rouse me from my bed with promises of a free cab ride. Me, unable to say "NO." to fun, took him up on it. Loud kinda shitty punk music at the comet ensued; lots of beer also...and corn chips and laying down in juniper bushes and dancing, dirty-style. These older chaps were very wasted, and were wonderful to observe. We ran into Jef(f) S, on the way to Sara's house and he, in his own little drunk state, followed us to dance. DANCING is an excellent activity to eliminate stress and create bonds between two people of opposite yet attracted sexes who very obviously need/want to kiss each other for no other reason besides "I'm on vacation." or "I'm trying to explore my blooming and unhinging sexuality; but I refuse to feel like a slut because of masculine stereotypes."

Also because there is a small happiness that is shared without words.

I'm going to go all girl right now:

In trying to decipher my usual favorite physical qualities in a man, the realistic patterns present me with this; slender(skinny), blonde, smaller than me. However, what my atoms really ache for is something unannounced. I don't know what I am going to wake up tommorrow and find attractive. Today it was a short kid my age with a raggy suit and a gap between his teeth (a weird secret thing I wanted as a kid and still find so alluring..I mean, the confidence to keep a gap unfixed is so sweet and purely it kills me).

It is more the non-physical qualities that are unwavering for me, which I'm sure most people would agree with; but here is the problem I'm faced with; I am so intrigued by people's individuality, that I often find myself falling in love with people that I don't really like. It is a problem simply because it skews what I really truly value in a man. Instead of liking someone because they contain all of the stuff I find appealing, I am pairing myself up with those who don't quite make the cut, but it doesn't matter because I "fill it in later", using my imagination to convince myself that these dudes actually are great. What a joke...well at least I'm aware of it.

Springtime is nipping my heels into some sort of happy motivation dance, and I'm feeling more able then I have in many american months.

I am also currently suffering from the Plague, so I'm afraid this is my exit. (From this post, not from life)


PS. The Breakfast Club is such a kickass movie, even though it's taking me four hours to get through it.

days like this

I don't know what to do with myself. There is nothing horrible to be said about anything in my life, yet it is terribly predictable that one or two days a week, I will wake up in the mid-morning and I can tell that I will feel and do nothing that day. I don't want to talk, or draw or think at all the way I normally do, because it drains me. Today was that. I woke up at one o'clock in the afternoon, and my first thought was "I'm going to turn myself off now". My legs then lifted me up, walked me to the shower, the fridge, the library, the grocery store, and then brought me back home. Since then, I have successfully spaced out for three hours, forgetting to call Nichki, neglecting my bladder and my urge to be social. I am trading it in for the easy way out. Most of my time is spent expending so much mental effort in trying to figure everything out, that these time outs are necessary. I wish I was less wasteful with them, though. I feel a little more relieved that I have spent some of this time at least writing about it (however depressing and oversimplified it sounds) instead of completely immersing myself in strictly bad children's shows from the 80's and macaroni and cheese.

I love borrowing cd's from the library! They have such a weird, limited selection that rotates when you aren't looking. But it forces one to pick up albums one would usually not consider. Today I nabbed: Constantines- Tournament of Hearts, The Fall- This Nat-ion's Saving Grace, Bob Dylan- Hard Rain, Deerhoof- The Runners Four and Stephen Malkmus- Face the Truth. All things that I know of or should know or should like to know.

I don't have much more to report, granted I had a pointless, spacey spacey day. I'll leave it at that for now.

Mallory, a winter slump mix to get you through the next semester.

1. Electrelane - Oh Samba!
2. Department of Eagles - No one does it like You
3. Torngat - You Could Be
4. Hercules and Love Affair - Iris
5. Under Byen - Pa disse kanter
6. Smog - Our Anniversary
7. Parenthetical Girls - A Song For Ellie Greenwich
8. M83 - We Own the Sky
9. Bat For Lashes - Bats Mouth
10. Townes Van Zandt - Dead Flowers
11. The Books - None But Shining Hours
12. Cat Power - Naked if I Want to

Oh, I love you so.